I got a kick out of the ‘things you will hear/never hear’ at Hoo tailgate message board threads. They got me to thinking, and is often the case, I came up with my own list covering all of the teams on our schedule. I hereby present ‘Things you will never hear at opponents’ tailgates.’

Georgia Tech
I sure do miss Bill Lewis.
Any ACC expansion should include Georgia Southern.
The Hive has a dull board.
Joe Hamilton was too short.
The Dawgs rule.

Akron
We should draw at least 25,000 today.
If Ohio State can do it so can we.
If the players and coaches work hard we can be as good as Kent.
We’re too good for the MAC.

ECU
CUSA is a lousy conference that will never amount to anything.
I’m scared of playing Carolina.
Isn’t it great the Big Four are treating us as equals?
Let’s try to act civilized today.
Maybe we shouldn’t slash those tires.

Rutgers
By how many points are we favored?
I hate it when we RUTS.
At the bowl game, let’s act like we’ve been there before.
The Rutgers 1000 know what they are talking about.
Hasn’t Terry Shea done a great job?

Boston College
We never should have gotten rid of Dan Henning.
Thanks for reminding me- I had forgotten all about that Flutie Hail Mary.
The road trip I like best is that wonderful drive to Blacksburg.
Being in a big media market isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
I am sad when we beat Notre Dame, what with their tradition and all.

Temple
The ticket scalpers are out early.
Do we really want to give up the charm of Veterans Stadium?
There are so many wins, who can remember them all?
Money wasted on Chaney’s program should be used for football.
I hate it when basketball season starts.

WVU
That was a great bowl win.
I don’t see any point in arriving at games early and then just standing around in the parking lot.
I hope Don Nehlen never retires.
Those West Virginia jokes are pretty funny.
I love Marshall.

Syracuse
Wouldn’t it be great if we played all of our games outside on natural grass?
I’m glad we didn’t get Vick because he wouldn’t have fit into our system.
Paul P is a great coach.
How could anybody possibly call us a national power?
Maybe the Big East wouldn’t fold up if we left.

Pitt(sburgh)
We will outdraw the Steelers in the new stadium.
I hate to be called Pitt.
I never get tired of losing to Penn State.
Let’s face it; we will never be a national power again.
Foge Fazio, now there was a coach.

Miami
We might be a year away.
When we’re not playing I root for the Gators.
Maybe all of those Tech wins weren’t just blind luck.
The thing I like best about Sports Illustrated is its objectivity.
If Butch doesn’t win them all this year I say we bring back Dennis Erickson.

Central Florida
Who needs a conference?
We should just drop football.
I like playing all of those I-AA teams.
Psst! The Mountain West is expanding. Pass it on.

Virginia
You know, most national powers win more than seven games a year.
No thanks, two drinks is my limit.
I’m going to get my bowl tickets early before they sell out.
Let’s face it, Tech really is that good.
Ronald Curry made the right choice.
Just who was that Jefferson guy, anyway?

Finally, in the interest of fairness, I also present what you will never hear at a Virginia Tech tailgate…
One Sugar Bowl is enough for anybody.
I love those 460 traffic jams.
Pass the Brie.
Our OOC is too tough.
I sure will be glad when football is over and basketball season starts.

Jim Alderson, best known for his biting political commentary on the A-Line email newsletter, also brings a unique, sarcastic, and well-informed perspective on college sports, particularly (1) Virginia Tech sports and (2) ACC sports.  While Hokie fans currently have very little use for subject number 2, Alderson is an entertaining and informative columnist on subject number 1.  For even more fun, visit Jim's A-Line home page.

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