Mad Hoo Disease
by Jim Alderson, 4/19/01
A terrifying disease has re-emerged and is sweeping the area. News reports on a daily basis abound with reports of new outbreaks and areas of contamination from a virus thought to have been under control. Officials struggle to maintain calm and prevent panic. I am referring, of course, to the recent recurrence of Boardhostic Sabreformia Egotisticus [BSE], more commonly known as Mad Hoo Disease.
Mad Hoo Disease, not to be confused with the outbreak of Heel in Mouth Disease, recently transferred from Indiana to North Carolina and confined to that state, has made a comeback in Virginia, with the prevailing number of cases seen in the Charlottesville area. The disease, monitored by the World Hoo Organization [WHO], and thought to have been wiped out, but the latest developments indicate that Mad Hoo Disease is indeed still alive and well.
The recurrence follows suppression of the Welshian-7 variant of Mad Hoo Disease, which afflicted mainly nasal cavities, causing a layered depth of material and preoccupation with seven wins and only removed through painstaking and painful picking of the nose. The Welshian-7 strain was eradicated after a Hollandization of the Virginia football program through a systematic treatment involving bowl losses, poor recruiting, message board griping, letter writing and the quarantining of fans to the parking lot during the Second Half of home losses. A vaccine, administered Richtally, to guard against further outbreaks was thought to have been on the way from St. Bobby’s Mercy in Tallahassee but was instead sent by the Center for Dawg loss Control [CDC] to cure the severe cases of Donnanitis in Athens, Georgia. Medicine from an obscure tribe in New York was then brought in, but to the horror of officials, turned out to have contained coaches contaminated with a new algroh strain of the virus.
Sufferers of Mad Hoo Disease often experience early psychiatric symptoms, most commonly depression over past defeats to Tech and anxiety over future ones, and occasionally a schizophrenia-like psychosis in which message board posters post to different boards under different names. The new algroh strain contains all of the pathologies of the Welshian-7 variant, such as excitable or nervous temperament to external stimuli such as getting under the skin, as well as problems, such as memory loss concerning the result of the previous Tech-UVA games, emotional instability including inappropriate outbursts, an unsteady gait when leaving Scott Stadium following another Hoo loss and consumption of large quantities of Virginia Gentleman, eventually resulting in an inability to stand up, progressing to marked weakness of the football program, a desire from sufferers to stick their faces into a fan, severe rapidly progressing dementia leading to a terminus as patients become completely immobile and mute while watching the Hoos, and finally death of interest in the football team, often within a year of introduction of the algroh variant.
In contrast to the classic Welshian-7 variant of Mad Hoo Disease, the new algroh strain predominantly affects younger persons, has atypical clinical features, with prominent psychiatric or sensory symptoms, sometimes mistaken for normal Hoo behavior, at the time of clinical presentation and delayed onset of neurological abnormalities, including typing ataxia, and a duration of illness of the weeks and months preceding football season.
There is no known cure for Mad Hoo disease, although Virginia athletic officials have announced they intend to begin experimenting with a tiered system of treatment involving the destroying of all non-revenue-producing men’s athletic teams. Existing patients will be quarantined in the Carl Smith Isolator. Fans are encouraged to be alert for persons displaying symptoms of Mad Hoo Disease and avoid contact as much as possible. Early warnings include insomnia after the last two Tech-UVA games, memory loss at how badly they were beaten the last two Tech games, depression when remembering how badly they were beaten the last two Tech games, anxiety when thinking about this year’s Tech game, and social withdrawal from Scott Stadium, generally at halftime but often before, depending on the quality of opponent.
The WHO asks that any observance of further outbreaks of Mad Hoo Disease be reported to its Mad Hoo Disease monitoring station located on the TSL Football Message Board.
Jim Alderson,who first made his mark with his biting political commentary on the A-Line email newsletter, also brings a unique, sarcastic, and well-informed perspective on college sports, particularly (1) Virginia Tech sports and (2) ACC sports. While Hokie fans currently have very little use for subject number 2, Alderson is an entertaining and informative columnist on subject number 1. For even more fun, visit Jim's A-Line home page.