You Might Be Buying Counterfeit Tickets If...
by Jim Alderson, 10/23/02

Once again there have been instances of people buying counterfeit tickets to Tech games. This disturbs me, not only because people desiring to see the Hokies are getting ripped off, but also that there are people who were willing to pay $200 for the Rutgers game. I know Frank says we should all be there to see Tech, but geez, two bills for RUTSgers?

I would advise that everyone, before buying scalped tickets from some clown in the parking lot, to check with the ticket office see if the game is actually sold out. It also occurs to me that perhaps a guide is needed to protect some the more gullible from buying fake tickets, so, as a public service, here is:

You Might Be Buying Counterfeit Tickets If:

  • The seller pulls up his sleeve to reveal an arm loaded with Rolex watches, and offers to throw one in for another fifty bucks.
  • Michael Vick’s picture is on the ticket.
  • Someone comes up to you and whispers, "Psst! Hey buddy, wanna buy ... " and he’s not talking about French postcards.
  • Tech is playing at Syracuse that day.
  • The seller guarantees you will win the gift certificate.
  • Printed on the ticket is: Everyone Must Have Any Ticket.
  • Instead of ‘’ the ticket reads: ‘ed’’
  • The ticket is for Section 21.5.
  • The ticket says: UAB-Virginia Tech, 1999
  • The seller tells you the ticket is a club seat in the North End Zone.
  • The seller assures you that anybody can use a student ticket.
  • The tickets are in a wrapper emblazoned with ‘Kinko’s.’
  • He is selling them from the tailgate of his truck, upon which rests a printer flashing ‘Please change cartridge.’
  • The seller makes change with bills bearing the likeness of algroh.
  • The seller asks you to run with him while making the deal because he is being chased by campus security.
  • The tickets are printed in gray scale.
  • During the transaction you hear the words, "You’re busted."
  • Virginia Tech is spelled wrong.
  • The seller is wearing an orange jump suit and stenciled on the back is ‘Property of Montgomery County Jail.’
  • You ask if he has better seats, the seller says, "Give me a minute" and you can hear a printer.
  • The seller asks if you also want seats to the Tech-Wizards game that night in Cassell.
  • Next year, the seller says you had better buy from him, because the JMU game is sold out.
  • At any point during the transaction the seller answers, "Would I lie to you?"
  • The seller’s companion tells him he has a cell phone call and the seller cuts him off with, "Not now, can’t you see I have a live one?"
  • The seller tells you that this is the ticket that will let you do the Pitt game with Bill and Mike.
  • The seats are in a Pamplin classroom.
  • The seller is wearing officially-licensed apparel from the University of Temmessee.
  • After making the deal the seller steals your car.
  • The seller tells you two hundred bucks is worth it to see Temple.
  • When the seller shows you his ticket selection, mixed in are cards reading ‘Get out of jail free.’
  • The seller also offers to sell you the bridge across the Mall.
  • Printed on the back of the ticket is a Photoshop Help file.
  • As the cops handcuff the seller and drag him away he yells to you, "This doesn’t mean I can’t put you in a good seat."
  • The seller concludes the transaction with, "Thanks, chump."
  • I am sitting in your seat. Believe me, it is my ticket.

Jim Alderson, who first made his mark with his biting political commentary on the A-Line email newsletter, also brings a unique, sarcastic, and well-informed perspective on college sports, particularly (1) Virginia Tech sports and (2) ACC sports.  While Hokie fans currently have very little use for subject number 2, Alderson is an entertaining and informative columnist on subject number 1.  For even more fun, visit Jim's A-Line home page.


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