Are You a Real Hokie Fan?
by Bill Glose, 9/6/02

Editor's Note: Anyone wishing to see Bill Glose in person will have a chance this Sunday at the Roundtable Coffee House in Irvington (Lancaster County). For more complete information, go here

Wow! How great was it to have LSU come to town this past weekend? As the convoy of RV’s marshaled in the Price’s Fork parking lot and the purple and gold flags flapped in the New River air, a sense of excitement built up like a long-dormant volcano getting ready to erupt. Fans from both programs converged on downtown, and Main Street hummed with an electricity normally reserved for bowl games. The police finally ended the party Saturday night, turning out in riot gear to disperse the crowd.

It’s been a long time since Hokies have been able to welcome another group into the Burg that is just as fanatical as they are. Usually, the only time Hokies witness that level of foaming-at-the-mouth intensity is when they’re camping out in the snow for tickets, traveling to a road game amid a sea of maroon flags, or rehashing every play, coverage, and statistic with their fellow fanatics.

The Tigers may have lost the game, but their fans' enthusiasm never dimmed. Afterwards, in the parking lot, the LSU faithful put spin control on the loss, figuring out how this loss would benefit the team in the long run. They weren’t calling for Saban’s resignation, complaining about playing a tough opponent in their first game, or wailing about how their season was over. Why? Because they’re real fans, the type that stick with their team no matter what. And that’s a big part of what makes college football so great – the real fans.

Of course, there are plenty of fair-weathered fans as well, some jumping off the LSU bandwagon, and others jumping onto Tech’s.

With VT’s recent rise into the top ten, the Hokies are now ready to greet a host of new bandwagon converts. After the experience of 1999, when the entire nation wanted to ride the Hokie express, VT created an exam to test if you truly are a Hokie fan, or just wearing the orange and maroon to look cool and pick up chicks. Be warned, this test isn’t for the weak. Anyone can tell you that VT blocked more kicks than any other team in the 90’s and that they scored the largest shutout of a ranked team since the beginning of the AP poll (62-0 over Syracuse in 1999, but you knew that, right?), but knowing the correct answers to the Hokie Test will set you apart from your bandwagon brethren (or sisteren, as the case may be).

Tech’s not the only school to institute these "Fan Exams." Other schools have created tests to make sure the right sort of fan is cheering for their programs. Here are examples from other schools around the nation:

UVA: First, have you ever watched a game of professional football in your life? If so, you may join the UVA coaching staff, adding another year of NFL experience to their collective resumes. If not, you can still be a fan by adopting the true spirit of France: drink wine, eat cheese, and then promptly surrender. It doesn’t matter to whom. Vive Les Cadavaleers!

Loserville: Joining the Louiseville fan club couldn’t be easier. Simply write your name on a piece of paper and then stab your closest neighbor in the back with the pen.

Tennessee: To join the UT fan club, just sing Rocky Top. Don’t worry about the paperwork…we have tutors to do that for you.

FSU: To join our fan club, you must be willing to argue with all others that Saint Bobby should be canonized, team rules apply differently to Polish players, and stealing shoes is not like shooting the president. Whenever anyone asks a question you can’t answer about ethics, simply wave your arm back and forth and say, "Dadgummit, is the tomahawk chop the coolest thing ever, or what?"

Notre Lame: Who is the best sportswriter in all of college football? If you answered Beano Cook, then you are welcome as a fan of the Irish. We’ll also accept as substitute answers Beano the Hut or that ESPN guy with twelve chins.

Syracuse: Are you willing to support the team, cheer the players, and travel to bowl games? If so, you won’t fit in with the rest of our fans. Please move on to someone else’s bandwagon.

And so, without further ado, here is:


1. If your fiancée set your wedding date on the day of a Hokie game, would you:
a. Ask a friend to tape the game for you
b. Reschedule the wedding
c. Take one of her hot-looking bridesmaids to the game

2. During the Bill Dooley era, VT’s offensive philosophy was:
a. Left side, right side, up the middle, punt
b. Right side, left side, up the middle, punt
c. I’ve erased those dark years from my memory

3. What strategies has UVA employed in feeble attempts to halt Virginia Tech?
a. Using trainers to trip our cornerbacks
b. Mining gold on the sidelines to distract the players
c. Sticking their faces in fans

4. Which of these goals might you find inside this year’s lunch pail?
a. Keep opponents’ rushing averages under 100 yards per game
b. Bring back a piece of Kyle Field sod
c. Try to avoid cramping up with laughter during this year’s UVA game

NOTE: The Surgeon General warns that actually trying to grab the lunch pail to read the goals listed inside may result in contusions, concussions, and broken bones.

5. What happens when a sports announcer picks against the Hokies?
a. Lightning strikes his car
b. Co-workers shake their heads and ask what he’s been smoking
c. A pink slip appears in his mailbox

6. Name VT’s number one picks in the NFL draft?
a. Michael Vick
b. Michael Vick & Bruce Smith
c. Michael Vick, Bruce Smith, Lee Suggs, Kevin Jones, DeAngelo Hall, Marcus Vick, & Joey Razzano.

7. If you only had one available seat in your car and you saw a Marshall fan on the side of the road, would you:
a. Shift a box into the one free seat so it is unavailable as well.
b. Crack the window and yell, "Moooooo," as you drive by.
c. Tell him to act like his defensive unit and when he bends over, give him a Michelin enema.

8. If 5000 VT fans travel to see a Temple football game, how many total stadium seats would be filled?
a. 5000
b. 5001 (Cosby might show up)
c. Huh? Temple has a stadium?

9. How many games will Rutgers win this year?
a. Zero
b. –273.16 (Absolute Zero according to Lord Kelvin)
c. Error, does not compute.

10. Essay question: In the space provided, mention everything positive you can about Louiseville:  _ .

Bill Glose is a former paratrooper, a Virginia Tech graduate, and a die-hard Hokie fan. When he's not watching a game or writing an article for TSL, he spends his time editing the literary journal, Virginia Adversaria. Over 150 of his articles have appeared in numerous markets and his fiction has been accepted for publication in four countries.


TSL Columnists Archives

TSL Home