Message:
To: W.
Going
From: Project Manager
RE: Cubicle Modification
We're,
It has come to my attention that you will
be conducting an
unauthorized event in your cubicle Thursday,
October 10, for which
you have not filed the proper paperwork,
received the proper
approval, or have explained what you intend
on doing as far as making
up the billable hours you will be
spending conducting this event.
Furthermore, having reviewed
an unauthorized intinerary and having
inspected your cubicle
prior to the event, I should, as your
supervisor, remind you of
the following company policies:
1) Federal law prohibits
firearms within or within a certain number
of feet of federal
office buildings. This includes fireworks
2) The low ceilings in
our office coupled with the height of
the "Grill 2 Go" currently
erected in your cubicle could cause smoke
and or heat to trigger
the sprinkler system on our floor, ruining
about a billion
dollars worth of equipment and work.
3) Several of your
coworkers have complained about your repeated
insistence on
playing marching band music on your computer without
the use of
headphones. This is inconsiderate to your coworkers.
4) A
coworker yesterday heard you yell out several times while
watching video clips on your computer....let me remind you that
your
computer is for work purposes only. This morning our IT
department
removed approximately 2.1 GB of football-related
video and audio
files from your hard drive.
5) Consumption
of alcoholic beverages while on the job is grounds for
immediate
termination. Let me remind you of our conversation of
September
1999 where I ruled then against your contention that lite
beer
is not an "alcoholic beverage"
6) A 71 year old female employee
came to me yesterday with a bruise
on her head suffered,
apparently when you were playing catch in the
office with a
leather football. Horseplay in the office will not be
tolerated
as it creates a safety issue for all.
7) I am hoping that I am
mistaken as to why the floor of your cubicle
is covered with
newspaper but if the rumor I hear is correct, PLEASE
reconsider
bringing a live turkey into the office...
8) This may be pure
coincidence, but the last time your school had a
night football
game, I received several profane messages on my
voicemail where
the speaker, barely intelligible, was dissertating on
how
"[expletive deleted]ed up he was".....I couldn't help but notice
that it's ironic how someone was intoxicated on a weeknight AND
knew
my phone number.
9) I received a call yesterday from a
man named Brian Steinspring or
something like that who said he
was reviewing your application. I
gave you a pretty good review
but the questions soon turned to job
tasks that I have not had
the opportunity to evaluate you on,
including "can he look off
the primary receiver" and "do you employ
any shotgun or multiple
spread formations." I told him we were a
government contractor,
and he appeared confused. He was asking me
about your "40
speed"; I assumed this was an IT term referring to how
fast you
can type and I said "he's got really good speed"....he said
they'd get back to you regarding a "tryout".....if you aren't
satisfied with your current position, I'd like to get your input
on
what exactly is wrong.
10) This morning when I went to
put my lunch in the office freezer, I
found it completely full
of bratwurst, pork chops, and a strange box
in the refrigerator
that said "do not open" but appeared to have Jack
Daniel's
information spray painted over. The office refrigerator is
for
the entire office to share, please do not monopolize it.
If
you have any questions about the company policies on the above
situations, please do not hesistate to call me. Have a good day.
[Name removed]
Office Manager
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