Lawyers, Guns, and Money
by Jim Alderson, 6/9/03

My opinion of lawyers has generally mirrored that of Shakespeare. I would make an exception for my buddy the Hoo lawyer; although his practice would benefit from a strong upturn in business were he the last lawyer left alive, it might require a bit more effort on his part other than lounging around his office listening to Jeff Foxworthy tapes and keeping an eye on a clock that has the numeral 4 circled in red, corresponding to the opening of his favorite bar in the afternoon, while his overworked secretary searches titles and types deeds and sends out the exorbitant bills that enables him to live so well while expending such little effort, the greatest involving the third gin and tonic he brought to his lips Friday afternoon at said tavern, an exercise that interrupted his explaining that while this particular realm of law, like most, was beyond his level of expertise, he thought it was a pretty good case and he hoped the BE5 won and put a stop to this foolishness since he feels, as do I, that the winds of fortune will change and algroh will eventually luck into a victory over Frank and unsporting activities such as wrecking Tech�s ability to compete were not necessary for the Hoos to eventually claim the Commonwealth Cup. But I digress, while noting, not for the first time, that while run-on sentences might be difficult to read they sure are fun to write.

I had thought Dick the Butcher�s suggestion of �let�s kill all the lawyers� a capital idea, but Jack Cade was only attempting to make it a felony to drink cheap beer [Cade had a point] and engage in such mundane activity as overthrowing the King of England rather than something really serious, such as attempting to end Dick the Butcher�s BCS affiliation. After all, the knights of York and Lancashire weren�t trying to abscond to France with Bard Theatre money. Instead of whacking Henry VI and his lawyers, a good start might be a few athletic directors. But, while killing the athletic directors might be a capital idea, it is also a capital crime, so it would seem that this is one of those times in which we actually are desirous of the trouble lawyers can cause. I would much rather have the fine barristers of Skaddarn Arps representing my rooting interest in Tech football in a court of law rather than defending me against charges of mass murder. 

The initial lawsuit has been filed by what will be the remaining Big East football schools. Chances are very good it will not be the last. This action followed last Wednesday�s �meeting� with Miami President Donna Shalala, who insulted the presidents of the BE5 by keeping them waiting and then sashaying into the room and promptly announcing she had to leave early, shabby treatment the presidents of major universities are not exactly accustomed to receiving. Getting the indication that Shalala was just paying them a discourtesy call and had no intention of discussing anything other than how fast she and her school could get away from them, the BE5 presidents felt they had no choice but to call for lawyers, guns and money. The former were found in the offices of the Connecticut Attorney General and the plush New York City digs of high-powered law firm Skaddarn Arps. They ain�t screwing around.

The suit was filed in Connecticut, hopefully before a judge who has made a substantial investment in UConn football tickets. While it is iffy whether this suit will ever see the light of a courtroom, it would be amusing to observe on the witness stand BC AD Gene DeFilippo, the Fredo Corleone of expansion, who has been continually braying about how any school left behind in the ACC cash grab would find their football programs as dead as Moe Greene. DeFilippo plaintively explaining to a Connecticut jury that the reason he sold out his conference brothers was because �there was something in it for me� could make for compelling testimony.

Representatives of the two universities now known as the Defendants had little to say. BC�s Father Leahy had no comment until he could contact Shalala and receive instructions, since there was little point in changing now. Shalala, busy practicing tried and true defense testimony techniques such as �I don�t remember,� �Define �is�� and �I did not have sex with that woman, only prenuptial discussions with a bunch of men� also had no comment. Paul Dee, reached at Miami�s NCAA baseball tournament game against NC State, stated that he was much less concerned about the lawsuit than he was the skimpy size of the chilidogs sold at the stadium concession. He also said that he had done nothing wrong, implying that he always displays a total lack of ethics in all dealings. So it would seem, as does the notion that while it took almost a decade, Tech has finally found such a sleazy collection of low-lifes that Louisville of the old Metro Conference seems by comparison absolute paragons of virtue.

ACC Commissioner John Swofford would only say that he was �sad,� although not nearly as sad about this development as he was that the blabbermouth Wake Forest AD Ron Wellman hadn�t kept his mouth shut and let Skip Prosser go to Pitt and allow him to conduct his conspiracies in secret, since basketball coaches were a lot easier to find than top-notch defense attorneys. Swofford was forced into a lost weekend, as a drive last Saturday past the ACC�s Greensboro headquarters revealed a number of Mercedes in the parking lot, indicating that a legal defense strategy was being concocted.

It was a long weekend, too, as Swofford discovered Friday afternoon that Shalala was making new demands on her new conference. After ( from the beginning of the conspiracy) assuming the position and crying out �Thank you, madam, may I have another?� Swofford discovered that Shalala was just getting warmed up, as she was determining expansion candidates was small potatoes and was now demanding that she be allowed to dictate divisions, and she did not want to be placed in one with Florida State, screwing up any hopes that anybody might actually watch an ACC football championship game. She did want to be placed in one with Duke and North Carolina, salivating at the prospect of the quality competition a Miami-Duke football game would produce and hoping that more than the usual few dozen people would show up for Canes basketball games against the Devils and Heels.

UNC Chancellor James Moeser then noticed that his school was heading for divisional alignment with both Miami and Boston College, along with the occasional side trip to Canada. That kind of conference travel might be good enough for the likes of Virginia Tech, but it certainly wasn�t for his studious student athletes. Moeser also had taken note of what Swofford had admitted shortly after he had the necessary votes for expansion, that the television money was not there, at least in the short term, although Florida State AD Dave Hart continued to state that he would bet good money that the ACC television football package would be worth not only more, but a lot more, than that of the SEC. Moeser announced Saturday that he was no longer so hot on the idea of expansion.

Hopefully, Duke President Nan Keohane will think about the rigors such extended travel will place on Blue Devil basketball players already coping with that demanding Sociology curriculum that is so popular among them and come to the same conclusion. One could also hope that there are ACC presidents who have high opinions of their schools and do not particularly care to have words such as �fraud� and �conspiracy� attached to them. Swofford privately told them, however, that expansion would go forward and there was no limit to the amount of muck he was prepared to drag member institutions through in order to reduce their yearly conference payouts.