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Wide Right: Going Postal
by Jeff Cockey, 10/20/03
Over the months, Wide Right has drummed up a lot of reader response - on the message boards as well as off. When I first started this column I made some extremely off-base predictions (Lee Suggs would be picked higher than Willis MaGahee in the draft) and may have gone a little overboard comparing Wake Forest to Temple, but if I hadn�t written such asinine things, I wouldn�t have received such colorful responses.
"Going Postal" is a Wide Right column that shares some of the mail I�ve received from you readers and gives me a chance to explain my occasional stupidity. The following are actual readers� emails that I have received. I haven�t included all of them and had to use excerpts of others in the interest of column length. Some of you emailed what you thought of me as a writer and what you thought of my columns. Others emailed ideas for future columns as well as crazy questions like � "Do you know where I can get a Cannon Guy costume for Halloween?" (Alas my friends I do not, but if someone finds out, please let me know.)
Thanks for your emails and keep them coming.
Jeff,
A few thoughts/notes on the latest Randoms article...
1. The Lost Boys was a quality film, despite starring the Coreys.
2. No offense, but you seem a little too into Jerry Maguire. It has its moments I'll admit, but still...
Keep up the good work on the article.
Matt
Class of 99
Matt, did you know the human head weighs 8 lbs? Jerry Maguire happened to be on TV while I was writing the column. Judging by your Corey knowledge, I�d venture to bet that your driver�s license picture looks a lot like Corey Haim�s pic did in License to Drive - "God giveth and the DMV taketh away." (Wish we could bring back the 80�s � so much fun). You are right, The Lost Boys is decent, though it tends to get overshadowed by the sheer volume of all their A-List films. Thanks for writing.
Hey Jeff, I enjoyed your article this week.
I hadn't heard the "chiclets" phrase before - I�ll have to watch for it. I'm assuming I�ll see it in your articles in the coming weeks.
One of my favorite phrases that elicits a giggle or at least a smile when I read it:
1. When discussing the margin/magnitude of defeat, the phrase I enjoy is: "has been beaten like a rented mule." Having grown up in the rural agrarian south, this phrase is relevant, as any of us having worked with mules know they can be stubborn and ornery and that you may find it particularly loathsome to have to put up with an animal that is not your own. Now I didn't ever work with rented mules but the concept has humor.
Keep up the good work!
Hokie 101
I don�t know what to say. I have never heard this phrase but frankly, what makes it so funny to me is the explanation. I�m not sure exactly how many readers have experience handling mules (rented or otherwise) but it is this type of obscure comedic reference that I enjoy most. Keep them coming. Hilarious.
Hi Jeff,
I know your column is in fun. But I would be interested in hearing what you think the color commentary SHOULD have been for this game. Then I would like to hear you provide color commentary for Maryland vs. Clemson.
I would be more than happy to provide color commentary for any college football game if it was my job and someone had deemed me worthy of getting paid for it.
I just can't believe it's that easy to come up with relevant, informed and witty commentary for two teams you may not be interested in and haven't followed closely. On top of that, they have to do it regardless of how exciting the game is and they have to do it on the fly, week in and week out. Even the pro commentators only have 30 teams to deal with. In college there are 116 teams!
You bring up excellent points here. There are times in my real career (not writing for TSL - unless Will would like to make me a salaried employee) when I am faced with tasks that don�t especially interest me . . . but I am being paid to do the work and I do it to the best of my ability. I don�t think we can excuse these guys for taking a game or two off just because they don�t know or like the teams all that much. It�s like Randy Moss saying he�ll play 100% when he feels like it.
This is not to say you shouldn't have written your column, or that what you wrote wasn't funny at times. I just think the commentators have to be given a little credit for just how hard a job they have.
Try turning off the volume and then coming up with color commentary for the game (with teams you actually care about) in real time. Then try it for a pair of teams that were not your alma mater, are not known nationally for decades and are likely to play a blowout game. I think you'll find it hard enough to write up a list of prepared comments for the Rutgers team, much less try saying them correctly and with proper timing.
Actually, I do this all the time. It is a freakin� riot. My friends and I always play commentator and usually say things a split second before the actual commentators do. It�s great fun. Don�t get me wrong, I absolutely love commentators like the two who did this game. I love cracking on the things they say. They are pure comedy to me and actually make blowout games a lot of fun for the viewers. If they were on-the-ball perfect, what fun would that be for us?
Just some food for thought.
Dave
Dave, thanks for writing. You have some good points but let�s not forget they get paid good money to do a job that most of us would kill to have. All I ask is they at least get the names correct while continuing to amaze us with their comedic ignorance.
Jeff,
I think you are trying too hard to be funny yourself. That was a little harsh. It wasn't a close game and they have to talk about something. From the tone of your post I don't think you could do it at all. I hope this column doesn't continue to be so negative.
HOAKIE
Let me just say a couple of things. I never want to come across as negative - just sarcastic and hopefully a little humorous. I am pretty sure I could do just as good a job as they did in that instance . . . hell, I would even guess that all of you could do just as good a job too! Hey, one time I pretended to be a writer and some guy named Will fell for that, so you never know. Thanks for writing, I appreciate it.
Jeff,
I post on the VT message boards and I really liked your article. Is there anything that us fans can do to get rid of these announcers? I think that when VT plays games that are shown only in certain regional areas (i.e. UCONN, Rutgers, JMU, CFU) they should have an announcer who knows VT inside and out like some of the message board posters do. This way they would not get such simple things mixed up all the time like the names of players. At any rate, who do we have to complain to in order to get those guys (the announcers) fired? The guy on the sidelines was not as bad as the ones in the booth though . . . they just had a wealth of ignorant little comments - Jonesy? Get out of here! You�re fired!
NAPULATOR
I am glad you liked it. I am watching the Florida/Arkansas game as we speak and the commentator just said "trickeration." This is especially funny to me because it is such an obviously made up word but has caught on and become mainstream. What ever happened to "trickery" (an actual dictionary entry)? Cracks me up.
Dear Jeff,
Amen, and amen. I am so tired of these awful commentators. My personal favorite was, during the UCONN game I think, the female sideline reporter declared, when one of their guys went out with a bum leg, "It could be a fraction." O, my.
Good work, Jeff -- I really enjoyed it.
Sandy
'66
Ha! I missed that one. Great stuff. Get this � during the dry wedding reception I attended recently, one of the guests was extremely focused on, and intently listening to, a song that was playing at the time. The name of the song escapes me but what didn�t was the lady at my table who leaned over and whispered to me "Boy, he is really memorized." Where do these people come from?
Hi Jeff,Oh m�god I totally loved your column. I can't believe you wrote about the commentators. I'm a Tech alum, my husband an avid fan, and he was out cutting down a tree, or some other such manly thing, so I kept running out to give him score updates. Rutgers 7-0! Tech 14-7 (it happened fast)! 21-7! 28-7! 35-7 (jumped the gun on the extra point)! Then, I started running out to tell him how stupid the commentary was. And, how they were obsessed with the cannon guys....
When he came in and watched the last quarter with me, we were as much into the commentary as the end of the game. I loved when they said, with 4 minutes left, that Rutgers had to score quickly if they were to have any chance of pulling off this upset. The score was 41-22.
Thanks for the article.
Jane
Jane, in their defense Rutgers would have had to score rather quickly to pull it off (unbelievable). I am glad to know that there are others like me out there. I think the best thing to happen to Rutgers is those Cannon Guys. I am really going to miss them next year. By the way, I�m glad that your husband is an avid fan; please let him know that the tree would have been there after the Hokie game, too. Priorities, my friend. Thanks for the email.
Dear Jeff,
They weren't too bad - I think you nicked them way too much. Suggestion - cut in half the quotes.
Enjoyed it.
Go Hokies!
Turkey Tom
Turkey Tom, come on - they were awful - and I loved it. I am sure they have a thick skin. They should be flattered I wrote the column. It is obvious jealousy on my part - I want their jobs. Thanks for writing.
Dear Jeff,
Loved your TSL comments, Jeff. Now you know why I ALWAYS mute FOX Tech broadcasts and turn up the radio. It�s the best way to watch the Hokies on FOX TV. I have to admit, I saw the whole game, but never once had to listen to "Jonsey" (doesn't that suck) or Cedric Holmes or Cedric Jones (let's do our pregame homework). At least they didn't call him Caesar. I did however wonder why we kept putting the camera on the authentically dressed minutemen playing with their little pop gun. Cuse is next. We have 4 consecutive revenge and statement games to make. After last Wednesday night, I am now more concerned about WVU and Pitt than Cuse and Miami. There is definitely chink in the mighty Miami armor. Pitt and WVU will be very, very hungry I fear. I hope our Lil� East farewell tour is an undefeated tour. What a way to exit!! Thanks.
Greg
Greg, you pretty much summed it all up there. I used to mute broadcasts of Redskins games and turn on the radio when I lived in VA (not because the announcers were bad, but because Sonny and Sam were so good). I wish those guys could do every game I watch, no matter the sport. You know who else would be good � the daughter from 8 Simple Rules (you know which one). Football knowledge or not, she should just be on TV more often.
Jeff,
I had the same thoughts . . . I usually don't pay attention to the commentators, but Saturday . . . whew. Showing the Cannon guys was too funny. Glad to see Rutgers is finding something for those guys to do. There's a reason those two guys are on regional ESPN. What amazes me is that they can't find anyone better.
Great article, thanks for putting it together.
TexasHokie89
Guess what? I got a fever . . . and the only prescription . . . is more Cannon Guys.
Jeff,
I just read your TSL post. You have my sympathies. I have been a lifelong Orioles fan. I'm also a fan of whoever is playing the Yankees. There are two teams in pro sports for which I harbor the deepest hatred. They are, in order, the Yankees and the Dallas Cowboys.
I watched with horror last night as your manager allowed game 7 to be lost. What WAS he thinking? Here we are one out in the eighth. Game 7 - winner takes all. BoSox up by 3. Two good relievers are already warmed up in . . .
OK, I have to stop you here. It�s just too difficult for me to read on. But thanks, I just finished two straight days of crying and had finally moved on to the cursing-of-Grady-Little stage, looking forward to the wait-until-next-year stage, and then I read this. Here come the tears again.
But, cheer up. This coming Wednesday we will see the Hokies crush the Eers. I was at the Cuse game and I really believe the Hokies are focused on making each of the remaining games a statement game. It was truly magical at Lane this past Saturday. Suffice it to say that if the Hokies play with the same intensity, desire, and focus they demonstrated this past Saturday that they should be able to run the table the rest of the year. I don't want to over-reach here, but after what I observed Saturday, I really believe it. We really should know after this coming Wednesday - a dominating Hokie win and I truly think we'll be visiting New Orleans in January.
Greg
Greg, your optimism is contagious. Let�s hope that the players read this and agree with your assessment. And please pass another tissue.
Dear Jeff,
I wanted to drop you a line and let you know that I feel your pain my friend. I am an avid Hokie fan as well. Only, I am missing the entire season. I am deployed in Iraq right now. I am forced to get my news from either espn.com, hokiesports.com, and I always frequent techsideline.com. The last Tech game I actually saw was the Tech vs. LSU game last year. I managed to get tickets to that game. Shortly thereafter I left for basic training and wept when I received letters saying that we lost to Syracuse, Miami, Pitt, and don't even talk to me about WVU. Let�s just say, it's a good thing we didn't go to the rifle range that week. Now, I find myself in Baghdad for my 21st birthday and the entire Virginia Tech season. I won't be back home until next summer. The only time I actually got to have a drink out here came from my 4-day R&R trip to Qatar. I just want you to know I know how you feel, but you have it better than me buddy. Just do me a favor, and think of me the next time you watch a Tech game and drink a few for me. Take care.
Your fellow Hokie fan,
PFC David Kerr
U.S. Army
David, I am very touched that you took the time to read my column and write me. I am amazed at how many people from all over the country read TSL and now you have written from Baghdad. Let me just say that I am extremely proud of the job you are doing. There will be no weeping for you this year . . . The Orange have already been sent home with their mascara running and WVU is next. I will definitely drink a few for you and for the rest of the men and women who are making our world a better place. Stay safe, my friend.
Keep �em coming guys. These are fantastic. [email protected].
