Randoms is a Wide Right column housing the whimsical tidbits that consume my day. Most are football related but as with all my columns, a small dose of the arbitrary is thrown in.

• First of all, how about them Lady Hokies? Jump on the back, people, �cause this is a bandwagon that should fill up quickly and I plan on riding shotgun. Let�s get some fans in those seats, baby.

• I saw the funniest thing on the airplane the other day. Remember that scene in the movie Swingers when Trent and Mike were sitting in the diner and T thought that the woman in the booth down the aisle was making "cute little baby faces" at him and it turned out she was making faces at an actual baby that T couldn�t see? Well I saw that scene reenacted on the plane. The flight attendant was standing at the front of the cabin and she had just finished doing the oxygen, exit, seat-flotation speech when she began making "cute little baby faces" at this child in the first row. Well the guy across the aisle from me and three rows from the front honestly thought that she was flirting with him and he began smiling and flirting back. I started reciting the lines from the movie in my head as this took place. I couldn�t believe this was actually happening. It was quite humorous when she noticed him and shot him a "yeah, right" look. That�s when he saw the kid. Could not have been funnier.

• Did you read about these Bucs fans who bought beer out of used cups? Evidently a concessionaire was refilling already used cups with beer, reselling them to unsuspecting patrons, and pocketing the money. He came away with $1080 and was charged with felony grand theft. I think he should be made to drink beer out of everyone else�s used cups at the next Bucs game, and I think it should be televised. I would watch.

• While we�re talking about Tampa Bay, I�m sure you�ve all seen one or two Bucs games. How about that Gruden? I think he has the perfect level of animation and intensity on the sideline. His expressions are priceless and the way he handled the Keyshawn Johnson situation was, I think, a great move. Does he teach classes on how to get fired-up? I�ll front the tuition for Beamer. I don�t want a new coach, just more excitement and intensity from the guy.

• Ok . . . Michael Jackson and Neverland Ranch . . . Really? Neverland Ranch? I can�t not laugh every time I hear it on TV. It�s especially funny when you hear it on Fox News (or any other news station where the reporters are trying to maintain some level of seriousness). The cops went to Neverland. Everyone�s searching Neverland. Sure, a perfectly normal person lives in a place called Neverland.

• I�m sure you all heard about Vick getting his ankle stepped on by one of his offensive linemen. It was a walk through . . . half-speed . . . what was this guy�s deal? You don�t step on your entire franchise during a half-speed walk through. Why is this guy still on the team?

• Did you hear about the convicted criminal who gave a full confession in exchange for being able to watch the OSU/Michigan game in his cell? Now this guy�s got his priorities straight. That�s a fan.

• Just out of curiosity, were we on to something there? In the 4^th quarter against UVA? I believe we had a long, sustained, controlled, clock-chewing, defensively-demoralizing drive. Might want to implement that idea a little sooner in the game next time. I don�t know, maybe it�s just me, but it�s good to finally see what we all know we are capable of doing.

• Speaking of fans, who is Jacko�s biggest? As ESPN�s Daily Quickie put it � nobody is more thankful to Jacko than Mr. Bryant. Have you heard anything about Kobe since Michael moon-walked his way onto the front page? Nice work Jackson, you are also breathing new life into Jermaine�s and Latoya�s miserable existences. They are like ambulance chasers waiting for their brother�s next screw up so they can get on Larry King. What a fantastic family.

• Anyone think it�s funny that the admiral on The West Wing, the one in charge of mobilizing the United States Armed Forces for war, is the same guy who used to scream and yell at JJ on Good Times? Dy-NO-mite!!!

• Why do players always thank God after they�ve won a big game? Does God not like the other team? Let�s put this in perspective � So God�s just sitting around, finished with his saving of souls and listening to sinners, and all of the paperwork that goes along with being, you know, God, when he says to himself, hmmm, let�s help Pedro pitch a perfect game, cause I really don�t like the Braves this year. Yeah, I can see it happening. Would God really help Darrell Strawberry or Peter Warrick win a game and if so, why does His help stop on the field? If God helped Warrick catch those passes that beat us in the Sugar Bowl, then why wasn�t God riding shotgun to Pete at the local Dillards, you know, disabling the security cameras or something? Seems to me it�s the least He could have done.

• Can we talk a little bit about Keyshawn Johnson? Nah, no need. Just your every day average professional football moron. What a maroon.

• I was watching Scrubs a few weeks ago and on the show they were drinking Appletinis. Who orders these drinks? I just can�t get comfortable with the idea of saddling up to the bar saying "Yeah, I�ll have a plate of wings � extra hot. Two pitchers of real American manly-beer and oh yeah, Bob over there would like an Appletini." Can�t do it.

• So we are to play the Cal Bears. Am I the only one a little scared about this? I know nothing about this team and yet my first thought is to be afraid of them. It never used to be like this. I used to place bets on when Beamer would pull the first string and let the other team score a few gimme TDs, and even then we�d win by double digits. Ah, the good old days.

• On The Simpsons the other day I was reminded of the spirit of the upcoming holidays. Homer went on one of his diatribes but this time it was about the importance of family. "The thing about my family is there�s five of them. Bart, Girl-Bart, the one who doesn�t talk, Marge, and the fat drunken guy." If that doesn�t embody the holiday spirit, I don�t know what does.

• Oh yeah and another of his best quotes � one that I am sure some of you will be able to use to get yourself out of a jam with the significant other someday: "It�s not my fault. Liquor has drunken me."

• Anyone else wonder how good of an arm KJ has? I am thinking a pitch to Jones only to have him hit Wilford for a long TD score. A good way to open the bowl game I think. Give me a call Frank, we�ll talk.

• Ever see those Dunkin Donut coffee mugs? The ones that are like 82 ounces. And you get a free/cheap refill if you re-use your already purchased mug. Who buys these? If you�re in need of that much coffee in the morning, then you should probably just stay in bed. They should give a free blood pressure test with each refill � that way you can drive straight to the hospital afterward. And the people that get those refills just scare me.

• I was thinking the other day that quite possibly the most under-rated crime fighting team ever could be Chunk and Sloth. Remember � from Goonies? Am I wrong?

• Hey I know that things look grim for us Hokies now. We have run into a few bumps in the road but as Beanie from Old School so rightly pointed out, "What about Mitch here? He saw the wheels come off his life, guys. His whole world crumbled. Now he�s the Godfather." The Godfather, folks. If Mitch can do it . . .

• OK let�s talk about the Marching Virginian�s musical repertoire, shall we? The theme from Star Wars is pretty cool, you�ll get no argument here. But as Aaron Karo would attest, it�s like when Under the Table and Dreaming was released, and you heard it every moment of every day walking down the hall of your college dorm. It�s a bit overplayed. How about learning the theme from the arcade game Spy Hunter? Everybody take a moment. Take as long as you need. Got it? Now you won�t be able to get it out of your head for the rest of the day. And that�s OK because it�s super cool. What a great arcade game that was. Give me oil slick and machine guns and I was on fire. It was my favorite arcade game at Chesapeake Bay Seafood House (the one in Fairfax, VA). Whatever happened to Chesapeake Bay Seafood House? An order of all-you-can-eat baby fried shrimp and two dollars in quarters and I was in heaven. Is there a better childhood memory?

• Is it just me or does anyone else want to do a 180 into a parallel parking spot, get out and toss the keys to the valet? One time before I die . . . I�m no sports star but maybe God could help me out with this one when He�s done at Dillards.

• Holy crap . . . Is Pee Wee Herman the waiter at Mr. Fabulous� restaurant in The Blues Brothers? Just when you�re least expecting it, there�s Pee Wee. Hah! Guess that�s what got him into trouble in the first place.

• I love how everything these days is "extreme." First it started with sports, then it went to television shows. One evening, in Williamsburg, VA no less, my buddies and I actually ate an order of extreme nachos while we were extreme bowling. No crap! They turned the lights off, flooded the place with black lights and blasted Will Smith�s Getting Jiggy With It, literally all night long. I know because we were there �til closing . . . sipping Appletinis.

• Let�s see some extreme Hokies later this month please. I know that earlier I said I was scared of Cal, but I flip-flop more than Anne Heche, and now I�m thinking that we have the talent to crush these guys. What do you say we go out winners?

• By the way � can�t get enough of this Trott kid. He�s the reason we had that interception against UVA. Definitely a gifted player.

• Should I feel strange for buying the Finding Nemo DVD?

• Name the Movie � "Did you get me my Cheez Whiz, boy?"

If you have any Randoms that you would like to share or columns that you would like to see please drop me a line ([email protected]).

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